Wedding day
by QuinnOfConeyIsland
Summary: Joker and Harley have finally decided to tie the knot, but if Batman has a say in it, he's not about to forever hold his peace.


The sun had set hours ago and the sky was black, covered in stars that twinkled millions of miles away. It was nearly a full moon. Gotham City was asleep. Or, _most_ of it. A black cape fluttered in the chilly night wind. Batman was standing in the middle of the graveyard. The entrance to the church was right in front of him. There was a reason he was here tonight. He had received an anonymous tip that the Joker and Harley Quinn were up to something. He always took extra precaution when it came to anonymous tips. He had felt it in his gut all the way to the church site, but the closer he got to the big, old, wooden doors, the more he could smell that this was a trap.

As he walked down the gravel path leading up to the entrance, the only sound he heard came from his boots touching the ground and from the wind blowing in the trees. There were tombstones on either side of the road. Some were tall enough that they cast shadows over him when he passed them. He stopped outside the great doors. He leaned in to listen. Still, the only sound he heard was the wind. He opened the door with a creak. As he stepped over the threshold, a chill ran down his spine. It was colder inside the church than it was outside. He left the door open behind him and continued walking down the aisle. The moon shone through the tall windows, lighting up the altar at the far end. The rest of the room was bathing in darkness. He didn't really mind. He was used to it.

Still, he expected something, or someone, to jump out from the shadows and take him by surprise. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He looked to the ceiling. Nothing there either. As he closed in on the altar, he noticed something on the table. A note. He picked it up.

 _Dear Batman,_

 _After some consideration, Harley and I decided it was high time to tie the knot. You are hereby formally invited to our wedding. Come back here tomorrow at sunset (Harley insisted upon getting married at sunset). So please don't be late, because you're my best man!_

 _XOXO, Joker_

There was even a stain of red lipstick in the form of lips at the bottom right corner. Only for him. Bruce narrowed his eyes. This was a wedding he was not looking forward to.

* * *

Once again, Bruce found himself outside the church. The sun was beginning to set. It was time. He walked down the path, passing the tombstones and when he opened the door, it creaked. This time though, he wasn't greeted by silence and darkness. Instead, the whole room was lit in golden sunshine. There were even some lit candles by the altar and the whole place was decorated with roses and ribbons in blues and pinks. At the opposite end of the aisle, Bruce saw the back of a man dressed in a black tuxedo. His hair was green. The man turned around. His face was pale as chalk and his lips were painted blood red. They parted, revealing a smile of silver teeth. Bruce was personally responsible for that. His eyes fell on the tattoo written across the green haired man's forehead. _Damaged._ Because his smile was no longer perfect, but it was still there.

"Ah, Batsy!" the Joker announced and spread his arms wide open in a friendly welcome. "Just on time!" The Joker wore white gloves on his hands, as well as a white bowtie round his neck. Bruce looked to the priest standing just behind the Joker. He looked utterly terrified, shaking visibly where he stood glued to the spot. His hands were trembling and Bruce found it astonishing how the priest hadn't dropped the bible he held in his hands to the floor yet. Bruce approached the Joker with slow, yet determined steps. He looked to his right and to his left and his expression softened when he saw all of the so-called "guests" tied down in their seats. There were children there too. They were silently crying. In that moment, Bruce clenched his fists and grabbed the Joker by his collar, lifting him off the ground. The Joker merely laughed. "If you wanted to sweep me off my feet, you should have done so while I was still single!"

"Enough games, Joker!" Bruce snapped, his voice deep and threatening. The Joker frowned.

"You've always been a party pooper."

"Let go of the hostages!" The Joker gave him a look that said: " _Are you really that dumb?"_

"No can do," he shook his head. "I need witnesses and frankly, they should feel honoured!" Bruce shook the Joker in his grip and brought him in closer to his face. He gritted his teeth.

"Do you want me to knock the rest of your teeth out?"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Bruce heard the sound of several guns and rifles being loaded from above. He looked up and sure enough; there were the Joker's men, all dressed in their silly costumes, aiming their weapons at the hostages below. Reluctantly, Bruce put the Joker back down. The Joker dusted himself off and readjusted his bowtie and hair. The organ started playing the wedding march.

"All right, now are you gonna behave?" the Joker asked. Bruce didn't have a choice. "Come stand next to me, you're standing in Harley's spot."

No sooner than he'd said her name, Harley came into view. She wore a traditional, white dress. It was strapless and shaped like a bell, reaching all the way down to the floor. Her hair, blonde with blue highlights on her left and pink highlights on her right, was in an elegant updo with a couple of curls hanging down her face, which was covered by a white, see-through veil. In her hands, she held a bouquet of the same blue and pink roses which the church was decorated with. But most importantly: she wore a smile. Bruce had to admit that she looked beautiful, but that didn't change anything. This was absurd.

Harley started walking down the aisle. She took her time. This was her big day after all. Bruce glanced at the Joker. His eyes were locked on Harley and there was a sort of timid smile on his lips. Bruce had never seen that expression on him before. It was… _odd_. Odd because Bruce had only seen that look on _one_ other person in his entire life.

His father.

The look that Thomas Wayne had given his wife Martha had been a loving one. So naturally, it was odd to associate the word _loving_ with someone like the Joker. And still, it was there.

Just as the Joker only had eyes for Harley, she only had eyes for him. When she came to stand in front of him by the altar, she couldn't keep the smile off her face. The wedding march was coming to an end. Before the last note died out, Harley glanced at the Bat and winked. "Glad you could make it." He doubted it. Knowing this, she smirked.

When silence fell, the priest spoke up, albeit in a small and stammering voice. Sweat was dripping from his face. "D-dearly beloved," he started. "W-we are g-gathered here today to – to –" Joker stopped him right there.

"Yes, yes, we know why we're here, skip to the 'I do's.'" He pushed the bible into the priest's face, who hurried to turn over the leaves to find the right page.

"Joker, do you t-take Harley Quinn… to be your l-lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And Harley, do you take J-Joker to be your lawfully wedded h-husband?"

"I do."

"Then by the authority v-vested in me, I p-pronounce you husband and wife." The priest shut the bible closed and wiped his brow. "You may kiss." Harley unveiled herself and threw away her bouquet, instead throwing her arms around the Joker's neck, their lips locking in a passionate kiss. Bruce felt sick. This shouldn't be legal. When the two clowns parted, Joker lifted his wife up into his arms and carried her down the aisle. Bruce followed them. Did they really think they were going to get away? Harley held on tight to her husband as he kicked the doors open. Outside, a helicopter had just landed, waiting for them to get onboard.

" _Hey!_ " Bruce called and the Joker spun around with Harley in his arms. Bruce walked up to them. "You're not getting on that helicopter!" Joker and Harley exchanged a look.

"Oh, but I think we are," the Joker said with a sneer and not a second later, an explosion was heard. Bruce turned around and the whole church was on fire, a huge cloud of smoke rising from it. _No._ He heard them cackle behind him. Their laughter echoed in his mind as he screamed out in rage.

* * *

Bruce woke up with a start. "Well, it's about bloody time you woke up." He looked up and found Alfred looking down on him with a tray in his hands. There were pancakes on it and a tall glass of orange juice. "I brought you breakfast," Alfred said and put the tray down on the nightstand. "You better hurry, or else you'll be late for the wedding." Bruce froze.

"What wedding?" he asked. Alfred rolled his eyes, most likely thinking: _"Really, Master Bruce?"_

"The _mayor's_ wedding, of course! You are invited! Really Master Bruce, do I have to keep track of everything around here?"

"Well, that's kind of your job," Bruce said. That was his attempt at a joke. Alfred frowned and was about to leave his employer in peace, but then he double-took. He took a closer look at the beads of sweat on Bruce's forehead. Then it all fell into place.

"Bad dream?"

"You don't want to know."

And thank God it had been nothing but a dream.

* * *

 **A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a while and then just yesterday I saw a post on tumblr about what it would be like if Joker and Harley got married. This focuses more on Bruce though and yeah, it was all just a dream, but who knows, maybe they will tie the knot one day? ;)**


End file.
